In her memoir, I’m Glad My Mom Died, Jennette McCurdy recounts the difficult life with her mother, Debra McCurdy, who remained a prominent figure in her life. One of the parts of this story is Debra’s cancer diagnosis and eventually, battle with stage four breast cancer, a struggle that not only impacted her physical wellbeing, but also complicated the nature of their relationship.
The Shadow of Illness
The recollection of the past includes the events surrounding Debra McCurdy’s cancer diagnosis. Oppositely, it felt as if it united both mother and daughter when Debra, in the initial stages, bowed down to shoot a goodbye video for her children while singing comforting lullabies and showering love. Yet, this soon turned out to be a never-ending cycle that became part of the family’s ‘comfort’ rather than part of the affection. This was the reason why such items were used and Debra controlled the children emotionally by making them view them repeatedly. She neglected to mention that Debra shamed her daughter when she attempted to sing when she was four during the recoding of the video. Debra McCurdy used her struggle with cancer to remain dominant and in control over her children, making them listen to her.
A Complicated Relationship
It is clear as Jeanette writes her memoir that her mother is a complex, nuanced character who, at times, is caring and loving, and sometimes, ‘the worst’. While she admits seeing such vulnerability in Debra during her illness, these moments were more than often drowned with abusive and manipulative behaviours. As a result of being diagnosed with cancer, Debra developed psychological disorders that led to an extreme control freakish behaviour involving severe cases of hoarding and controlling every single aspect of Jennette’s life.
She actually cut off my nutrition to make sure I did not grow up, stalked me in the most terrible ways, and relied on herself to coordinate every single detail of my acting career. The relationship was not different in terms of control issues as well. This is where Jennette checked Debra for signs of having developed a tumor in what she hoped was the assumption that her possessed feelings of possession were toned down. If anything, aged puberty, Debra religiously washed Jennette’s hair and insisted on taking control of poor, young, and trauma riddled woman’s insecurities.
The Illusion of Martyrdom
One could argue that her life experiences implanted in her a sociopathic personality. For instance, she frequently suffered from cancer and expected other family members to be in awe of her for sacrificing a lot for them. She even expected the family to thank her for such a huge sacrifice. Once, she was talking so excessively about how much pain she went through because of them. Undoubtedly, these circumstances greatly impacted Jennette. She had no choice but to support her mother, or otherwise she would be crushed under Debra’s oppressive expectations.
As Jennette’s understanding around their relationship deepened, she began to see the deeply ingrained patterns that had existed between them. Finding out that Debra was in love with her only when Janet was able to fulfill specific validation needs forced Jennette to turn out to be a bulimic and use this extreme measure to take charge of her life.
The Aftermath of Loss
The day when Debra McCurdy died is the day when everything changed for Jennette. It changed portions of her life that had been marred by years of manipulation and abusive control, but it left Jennette an individual grappling due to guilt and loss. After the demise of her mother, it was tougher now to get rid of all things Debra as she had to recreate herself. The battle did not cease even after death, as Debra still placed pressure on her. For example, she forced her to sing at her funeral, which turned into drama in Jennette as she tried to overcome the shackling memories of her mother.
The Joy that my mother died is not devoid of the special elements of sorrow. It captures coming of age of sorts of Jennette, who embarks this journey as she reflects on her mother’s life which was always filled with complexities. There is a strong contrast present in the title wherein one is grieving the departure of their parent, while also taking the time to acknowledge the fact that one is now free from a defining abusive relationship.
Conclusion
The challenge of cancer that Debra McCurdy went through affected in many ways the life of her daughter, Jennette. In an honest narrative, Jennette reveals how complicated their relationship was, a loving one but full of manipulation and control issues. When they pick up this memoir, readers do not only see a daughter who is fighting the burden of her family but also a daughter who is working to rebuild and accept herself after an emotional violence. By telling her story, Jennette McCurdy provides encouragement to people in similar circumstances stating that everybody can overcome miserable relationships and become better.